Word Wars – How to love your people through conflict

How do we love our people, really love them, when they hurt us or the people we love?

Conflict is hard! It’s so difficult to fight fairly, following God’s rules. The challenge swells when your opponent doesn’t use the same rule book. Add swirling anxiety, strong emotions – including all kinds of pain and anger of varying degrees to both sides of the conflict! It makes a person want to lash out and cut people down, to win this war with words. Or it makes us want to run and hide. Maybe find a cabin in the woods. Like a hermit.

But…

“You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” [1]

Since the Bible is my playbook, I can’t run and hide from all my relationships that are prone to conflict. And I can’t cut people down, in a word war – no matter how wrong they are, or how right I am. Of course I’m right! If I was wrong, I’d change my position! Of Course!

For some reason, God’s highest priority is community, like it or not. When it’s working well, it’s the best, most enriching element of life! But when relationships are conflicted, community is the most painful, stress inducing component of life!

Now, we can glibly say, “Yeah, I love God. I love my neighbour as myself.” And move right along judging and grudging.

Or, we can look at the relationships in our lives. The hard ones. The conflicted ones. The relationships in our families, workplaces, the church. And if we’re all doing such a great job of loving one another, why are there so many broken relationships?

Many of us conclude, “I can love God. He’s easy to love. After all, he has my best interest at heart, he loves perfectly… who couldn’t love God?” And yet, according to John and Jesus, we can’t actually separate loving God from loving the difficult people.

“Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.” [2]

I’ve also discovered that when we successfully work through conflict and truly resolve it, we reach a deeper level of intimacy where we are more fully known and more fully loved, even with our weaknesses and mistakes unveiled.

Over the years, I’ve lived through much conflict. I’ve made many costly mistakes. I’ve seen conflict resolution modelled poorly. I’ve seen it modelled well. I’ve heard great teaching on it; I’ve even received coaching through conflict.

I’m still practicing how to conflict lovingly, and I certainly don’t get it all right.  But I’ve decided to create a How to Fight a Good Fight manual, based on the nearly 50 (cough, cough) years of learning from my role models, mentors, teachers and perhaps most vividly, my mistakes.

As I began writing the Top 10 Principles, the Do’s and Don’ts, I realized this is a much bigger topic than I first thought. So in this post, I’m giving an overview. I’ll explain and develop the guidelines I fight by in upcoming posts.  

Top 10 ‘Fight a Good Fight’ Principles:

1. Remember who the real enemy is. Hint: It’s not the person you’re conflicting with.
2. The person you’re angry with deserves respect as an image bearer of God.
3. Conflict isn’t always bad. Although it’s uncomfortable, conflict can be healthy and lead to greater good.
4. You’re only responsible to control yourself. Good thing, ‘cause you can’t control anyone but yourself.
5. Consider the possibility – albeit slim – you might be wrong!
6. Mercy triumphs over judgement. You don’t have the right to judge a person’s character.  
7. Mercy doesn’t triumph over justice. Boundaries are appropriate.
8. Understand which relationships are worth fighting for. Not all relationships are created equal.
9. Conflict resolution doesn’t always lead to restored relationship.
10. Sometimes winning looks like you’re losing.

Top 10 Just Do It:

1. Seek to understand rather than be understood. (The Prayer of St. Francis by an unknown author).
2. Be the first to apologize when you’ve been out of line – even if your mistake is the smaller one.
3. Be willing to listen more than you speak. (James 1:19)
4. Be gentle. Speak quietly and slowly rather than loudly and quickly.  
5. Take a break. But come back.  
6. Be the first to forgive. Even before the other person apologizes.
7. Give thanks for the person you’re struggling with.  
8. Pray blessing over your difficult person whenever you’re tempted to judge them or rehearse their faults and offences. (Luke 6:8)
9. Listen, and accept responsibility for your mistakes. (Psalm 141:5)
10. Imagine how God sees this person, remembering how God sees you. ( How to Love your People; Katherine Fitz)

Top 10 Just Don’t:

1. Seek revenge.
2. Gossip. IE: Talk about the person’s flaws with mutual friends.
3. Rant in rage.
4. Use scripture as a weapon.
5. Make broad sweeping statements that judge character.
6. Avoid confrontation just because it’s hard. Sometimes conflict is beneficial.
7. Concede on core values or issues of justice just to avoid conflict.
8. Obsessively argue with the person in your headspace.
9. Repeatedly replay the faults and offences in your head.
10. Victimize yourself by holding a grudge.    

When we conflict honourably according to the teachings of scripture, we can love our neighbour as ourselves.

When we choose to focus on the strengths and giftings of people without denying or magnifying their flaws, we can enjoy the diversity of our community as God intended.

Have a good fight!

*Disclaimer: In the event of an abusive relationship, get out of harm’s way and seek a professional counsellor as quickly as possible. I am not a professional counsellor, just someone who writes about things I’m learning.

Reading / Sources

Matthew 18:15-35 [1] Matthew 22:37- 40; [2] 1 John 4:20;

Pondering

Consider your pattern of conflict. What do you generally do well when you’re in conflict?

What is one thing you would like to change in the way you do conflict?

Is there a conflict you wish you could do over?

What have you learned from this experience?

Invite God to give you a heart of humility and forgiveness in all your relationships.