Quiet The Crickets

I lay on the green fleece blanket covering my white duvet. The breeze blowing through the window relieved the  African afternoon heat.  Looking up at the mosquito net tied in a knot above my bed, I tried again to untangle the mess of thoughts racing through my head.

It was Sunday afternoon, I had time and opportunity to nap.  My body was in resting posture, and yet thoughts, like an army of crickets, refused to quiet.  I was busy turning over each problem. The threatening possibilities, the impossibilities.

Mark and I had moved our daughter across an ocean and two continents as a step of faith, hoping to bless people in Rwanda through service.  And here I was, grappling with unfamiliar life rhythms, and challenges, wrestling with familiar  fears.  Fear of failure,  fear of human opinion.  I was wrestling with the fear that I wasn’t fast enough or smart enough to fulfill my calling.  Though we had a rhythm of rest in our daily and weekly routine, my mind would have none of it.

I decided to read Hebrews 4 where the writer challenged the Hebrew church to enter the rest God promised his people through Joshua.

Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it.
For we also have had the good news proclaimed to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because they did not share the faith of those who obeyed. Now we who have believed enter that rest…

Therefore since it still remains for some to enter that rest, and since those who formerly had the good news proclaimed to them did not go in because of their disobedience…

Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience.

I wrestled to understand and apply this truth to my situation, but somehow the words failed to connect with my restless soul. I knew only that the portal to rest was eluding me. Is seemed there was other soul work to be done first.

A few years later, after we had returned to living in Canada, I once again heard the noisy crickets inside my head.  I remembered this struggle, these questions in my soul. I thought a visit to the original story of those Sanai wanderers would be helpful to unlocking the secret portal to rest.

After leaving Egypt and travelling through the Sinai desert, the Israelites saw God provide food, and water. They saw God’s protective presence daily as a cloud shading and guiding their way.  At night God’s presence appeared as a fire, providing light, warmth, and safety from jackals and all manner of desert predators.

“Flowing with milk and honey,” Moses had described their new homeland, promised hundreds of years earlier to Jacob, and even Abraham.  In the meantime, Pharoah had reluctantly dismissed them, only to reconsider, pursue them and finally drown in the Red Sea.

We’ll pick up the story where they are camped along another body of water, this time the Jordan River. God’s people are tired of sand, sun, and manna.  Tired of camping.  They long for a bath, a garden, a cooked meal, and some new shoes.  They’re longing to rest their aching backs and feet.  They’re longing for home. They’re longing for rest.

Moses organizes a group of twelve scouts to pre-approve the land. Is this promised land really as great as Moses has described?   Here’s what the twelve scouts find: “a branch bearing a single cluster of grapes.  Two of them carried it on a pole between them, along with some pomegranates and figs.”

And as they showed the grapes that were larger than life, they told the tale of people who were also larger than life.

“…It does flow with milk and honey!  Here is its fruit.  But the people who live there are powerful, and cities are fortified and very large…”

They go on to describe the notorious people groups living there, renown for their size, their stature.  Giants, to be precise!

Then Caleb quiets the people before Moses, and says, “We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.”
But the men who had gone up with him said, “We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are.”
And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size.

…We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.”

Predictably, the crowd believed the fear mongers, and they spent the night weeping, “If only we had died in Egypt!  Or in this desert!  Why is the Lord bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder!”

In response, two of the scouts, Caleb and Joshua tear their clothes, and reiterate,

“The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good. If the LORD is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us.
Only do not rebel against the LORD. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will devour them. Their protection is gone, but the LORD is with us. Do not be afraid of them.”

And to my astonishment, there I was, a character in the story.  Unfortunately I didn’t find myself in Caleb the Bold, nor Joshua the Courageous.  No, I identified with the minions who believed the land “devours those living in it.”  I saw a grasshopper looking back from the mirror.  I saw giants, ready to crush the grasshopper.

My promised land is the life God has given me, my experiences, my opportunities, my calling, my gifts.  But rather than taking possession of my land, I have found myself like the ancient Israeli wanderers, second guessing God, doubting his ability to guide me.  I forget his Presence in the Cloud by day, and the fire by night.  I’ve become paralyzed by the fear that I’m too small.  I’m less than the people around me.  I fear failure, and I fear human opinion.  Unlike Caleb, I forget the power of God’s Presence in taking my land, living fully engaged in the calling God has given me.

As I saw myself among the grasshoppers, cowering by the river, I saw clearly why  the portal to rest had eluded me.  The fear of failure and the fear of the giants had hidden the secret portal of rest.  Ironically, the giants weren’t all hostile. There were friendly giants too, giants in the faith, who “did great things for God.”

This fear of failure and the fear of human opinion had been debilitating me long before Rwanda.  Like the ancient Israelis, I have wandered near forty years.  So it’s high time I enter the promised rest, my inheritance, my calling.  So, what to do?

Caleb carries the keys to the secret portal.  The people hear the scouts’ report of giants, and fearful murmurings rumble through the crowd. First thing he does, is silence the people.

Likewise, I need to silence the fear-inducing voices in my head. How? By taking the thoughts captive. I silence them by replacing the debilitating fears with words that are true.  Caleb’s words.  “Let us go up at once and take possession, for we are well able to overcome it…

“…If the LORD delights in us, then He will bring us into this land and give it to us, ‘a land which flows with milk and honey… Only do not rebel against the LORD, nor fear the people… the LORD is with us. Do not fear them.”

It’s true, I’m small, but this pillar of cloud and fire is not.  God’s Presence has given me everything I need for life and for Godliness. By God’s grace, He’s strong when I’m weak.

I need to get my eyes off the giants – friend and foe, off the grasshopper, and fix my eyes on my Guide, the author and the finisher of my faith.  Then I’ll have courage to take the next step in whatever God has assigned me, no matter how intimidating.

This is more than an exercise in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This is freedom from fear, freedom to move forward into God’s calling on my life, freedom to fulfill my role in Christ’s body, even though I risk failure and criticism.  This is taking possession of my land. This is rest. Finally! The crickets are quiet.

READING

Hebrews 4:1,2,6,11 Numbers 13: 23 – 14:9; 2 Peter 1: 2-3 NKJV; Proverbs 29: 25 MSG (All Bible quotations are from the NIV unless otherwise stated.)

PONDERING

Is rest a part of your daily, weekly routine? If not, what is blocking your ability or desire for rest? What is one step you could take to incorporate rest into your routine?   Are you struggling to find internal rest?  Take some time to quiet the noise, and listen to God’s voice.  Is fear or disobedience sabotaging your ability to rest?  How can you respond to God’s guidance in this matter of rest?

HEADER PHOTO by Krzysztof Niewolny on Unsplash